Saturday, July 7, 2012

What Horror Movies have Taught Me

  • If you make people laugh, you are most likely being kept alive merely to serve as comic relief and will eventually be killed.
  • Your phone will be working just fine right up until the moment you urgently need to use it.
  • Same with your car.
  • If you are a girl with large boobs and you take off your clothes, you will die. Probably naked.
  • Never turn your back on your 'killer', even if they appear to be dead. They never are.
  • Kill all clowns.
  • If you are the virgin in your circle of friends, you're almost guaranteed to survive, while your slutty friends don't stand a chance.
  • If the music starts getting louder, get the hell out of there.
  • Avoid having sex in cemeteries.
  • And playing with Ouija boards. That's just asking for trouble. 
  • If a dirty, unshaven service station owner in the middle of a desert advises you to take a short-cut to wherever you're going, for the love of God don't listen to him.
  • If you are a baby, you will survive. Nobody messes with a baby.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I did it.

Not only did I pass my Driving Test, I passed it without having made any errors
It simply does not feel real.

Especially after last night. By the end of last night I had come to accept the fact that there was no chance I could possibly pass. Ever.
I was destined to be a L(oser) Plate Driver for the rest of my life.
In fact, I was almost too embarrassed to even show my face at the Police Station the following morning - after what happened...

It was one of those moments in life where I just had to stop and laugh at myself.. -Once I had stopped screaming and sobbing simultaneously, of course.

By now you're probably wondering what the dickens could possibly have happened to evoke such terror.
Let me first just say that I suck(ed) at reverse parking. (This was yesterday. I have now got it down to a fine art.) Up until last night I had only reverse parked in a Learner car with the extra set of pedals on the Instructor's side. So naturally I was a bit (excruciatingly) nervous about the whole ordeal.
As I mentioned previously, it was night time.

Fact: the badness of my driving increases exponentially as daylight fades.

So there I was, with mum in the passenger seat and my older brother in the back, casually driving along the main street of my hometown in search of a car, behind which I could practice my reverse parking.

Fact: generally the only cars you'll find along the main street of my hometown after a certain hour belong to either people at the pub, or ..people at the pub.

After a brief pep talk from my mum and brother, I gingerly selected the lucky car that would serve as the subject of my reverse parking practice. I took a deep breath and pulled up next to it. I remembered the trick that my instructor had taught me in the Learner car: reverse until the 'little sticker thing' on the bottom-left corner of the back window of my vehicle is in line with the right tail-light of the car I intend on parking behind. As soon as they are in line, I must promptly turn my steering wheel as far left as it will turn, until my vehicle is on a 45 degree angle to the curb. At this point, I must lock my steering wheel right until my vehicle is parallel to the curb.
Simple, right?
So simple that my back-left wheel ended up hitting the curb. Fantastic. I was contemplating going forwards once more and having a second attempt when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that I had attracted quite an audience at the little pub across the road, some of whom thought my performance might benefit from them yelling what I can only assume were words of encouragement..
Now, I don't like reverse parking at the best of times, but this was too much for my heart rate to handle. I promptly U-turned the hell outta that uncomfortable situation and decided to settle for an 'imaginary' practice environment.

I drove us out to a dimly-lit street that I knew not many people lived down. My brother placed his water bottle in the middle of the road to mark where the right tail-light of my 'imaginary' car would be. I then proceeded to practice the method taught to me by my driving instructor, as I had been before. (I had a different instructor today who taught me a much more trustworthy method :P)
Anyway, after a while I got sick of practicing on a water bottle I could barely even see, so I decided to go practice something else. There was only one problem with this plan - I was facing the wrong way. The road was really skinny, with a small grassy slope on either side. I was like, "alright, cool, I'll just do a 3-point turn to face me in the other direction."

So I've done the first bit of the turn, and all of a sudden I see headlights coming towards me from a little road that leads from the forestry. I started to panic a little, as I was pulled up in the middle of the road facing sideways. It was then that I noticed the reflective pattern on the approaching car. Oh God, it was the cops!

I started full-on freaking out.

The closer they got, the more intense my freaking out became.

Even though they were crawling towards me, in my panicked state of mind, I legitimately thought I was going to either die, or be arrested. Two extremes, I know. :P And in retrospect, I wan't even doing anything wrong! Well, besides stalling several times, screaming/sobbing, and then eventually accepting my fate and allowing myself to slowly roll down the slight slope onto the grass.. (while still screaming and sobbing.)

I was covering my eyes with my hands, however I lifted them just in time to see the expression on the cop's face as he slowly swerved around the water bottle.
It was something like:

Meanwhile, I was all like:

But at the end of the day, who cares! I passed!
My brother may have gained some easy blackmail material, but hey, it was worth it to get my Ps. :D

Monday, June 25, 2012


Wow, so it's been far too long since I posted on here.
I guess it's understandable, considering the extreme life-changes I've experienced since around this time last year.
Well, I consider them to be extreme, although they probably aren't extreeeeme enough for anyone else to quite agree with my choice of wording. It's not like I've taken up any extreeeeme sports such as skydiving or dolphin riding or even unicycle hockey (as amazingly fun as that last one sounds).
Actually, the most life-threatening activity I currently subject myself to would be catching public transport to the University every weekday.. (But hey, there are some scary-ass people on some of those buses.)


YES. That's right, I said University.
Even I find it a little hard to believe at times. 

But yes, this is just one of the many changes that my life has recently undergone.
In the past 12 months I have also:
  • Graduated from high school
  • Moved out of home to live in the city with my boyfriend
  • ..Acquired an amazing boyfriend *giggles and blushes*
  • Started cooking dinner for myself (and afore mentioned boyf) and adhering to many other womanly duties such as ironing and washing clothes
  • Grown up ever so slightly
Oh, and to those of you who read a blog I wrote a little over a year ago about how nervous I was about going for my Learner Driver's Permit, I got it! And in a few days I will be undergoing a driving test which will hopefully result in me advancing to a Provisional (P1) Driver's Licence!
And to think I was nervous about getting my Ls..

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Game Over.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been fascinated by other people’s beliefs and how they can be so content with the stories that tell of how the world and our own very existence came to be.
In my primary school, we were spoon-fed tales from the bible and told to believe every word to be truthful and if we so much as dared to question these teachings, our inquisitions would be met with the threat of eternal damnation. (Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration.)

Alright, that's it. Straight to hell.

As a result of this, I have backed away from religion entirely (for the time being) and refer to myself as 'agnostic'. My grandma has a definition of agnostic which I think sums it up quite perfectly: she says something along the lines of "An agnostic is someone who does not believe in God, but will not say so out loud for fear that he will hear them."
:P I have an awesome grandma.

After losing a few loved ones when I was young, I found solace in believing that I’d see them again one day in heaven.  As I matured and found out about how many things can be proved by science, I found it a little depressing to think that if there really was no God, then there couldn’t possibly be a heaven.  
And if there isn’t a heaven, there can’t be a hell, which means that this life is all we have.  Which means that after we die, it’s game over.

Which brings me to my next unanswerable question:  When we die (which, let’s face it, is inevitably going to happen someday), will we know that we’re dead?  Or will things just suddenly stop?  Like a power outage..
The lights are on one minute and then, BOOM, they’re off, before you can even comprehend it.
..Except in the event of a power outage, we become aware of what has happened after it occurs.  It’s not like after you die, you’ll think to yourself “Well fancy that.  I seem to have kicked the bucket.”

I guess my lack of belief has at least given me incentive to enjoy life as much as possible while I can.  Now, I leave you with a question.  And I don’t mean to offend any of you.  In fact, that’s the absolute last thing I want to do.  If your beliefs differ to mine, that’s cool.  I ain’t judging.  But anyway, the question:
If God can successfully commit genocide, why is everyone hating on Hitler for trying?

Hindsight: Wow, I'm a really terrible person. :P

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

On The Brink of Madness.

Well, this year's gotten off to a terrific start.
Oh, did I say 'terrific'?  I meant to say horrific.
First the town gets torn apart by a category 5 cyclone and now a massive flood has come to wash away the remains.
I'm not really that cut up about missing a few weeks of school though.  I guess I probably should be, considering it's my senior year and all.  But I have my biology assignment to keep me company here at home.
It's crazy how attached I'm getting to these bean plants.
-The ones that have decided to actually grow, that is.
A majority of them are just being lazy..  But I can't really blame them.
This rainy weather tends to have that effect on me as well.
A couple of them have even started growing mildew.
Mind you, I probably brought it upon myself by placing them in a fish tank.
I do feel a bit mean for doing this to them, but it's all for the greater good.
All in the name of science!
I'm observing the differences of the rate of growth between plants grown in a sealed environment and plants allowed to grow in the open.
This means I have to provide them all with the same amount of water and exposure to sunlight and whatnot.
It's only been about a week so far, but in this time, I like to think that I've created a special bond between my plants and I.
I had a nightmare the other night about my tallest bean plant dying.
Thankfully, it was just a nightmare.  When I came running out to check on it, it was looking as healthy and happy as ever.
If plants had faces, it would have been smiling.
Good lord, I'm beginning to sound like a crazy person.

Oh wait, that's right.  I am a crazy person.
Good day. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


There is a new revolution that has somewhat taken over Facebook:
This is where someone posts a status saying something along the lines of "For every like, I will post a confession! :D".
Some people's confessions are actually really interesting and hilarious, but a majority of them, not so much.  And when every single one of your Facebook friends is doing this, it becomes quite overwhelming.
It's kind of like, (but nowhere near as annoying) as "Inbox me a number and I'll post a status about what I really think of you! :D".
That one drove me absolutely mental.  What I don't understand is why they couldn't just inbox each person back, instead of posting fifty or so statuses saying exactly the same thing:
"12345: Omg, I luv you so much!  Youv bin there 4 me since lyk evah and I kno we;ll be bfflz!"

But without any further ado..
Behold, my 10 confessions:
  1. I have a scar on my right eyelid where I was pecked by a hostile chicken at the age of seven.
  2. I have this weird habit of blowing into cups before drinking out of them.
  3. I have problems with anxiety.
  4. I spend far too much of my time worrying about what others think of me.
  5. I'm self conscious about my toes.
  6. I keep my opinions to myself for fear of offending people.
  7. I am terrified of deep sea fish.  Even pictures of them scare me.
  8. I believe we are all inherently racist and that people nowadays are just too sensitive.
  9. I don't know how I would have survived this long if I hadn't learned to laugh at myself.
  10. I make faces at myself in the bathroom mirror almost every day without fail.
So they're not the most interesting confessions in the world..
I try not to reveal too much about myself in my confessions.  Some people delve deep within themselves and reveal some of their darkest secrets, which can become quite creepy.  I don't mean things like "I drink milk straight out of the carton when no one's watching."  That's cool.  -A little germy, but still nothing compared to some of the things people are admitting to.
Things like "I am bicurious and have experimented with girls in the past."  Fantastic.  You've just casually let 200 or so of your 'closest Facebook friends' in on your sex life.
Some confessions leave you thinking "What are you even doing on Facebook?  You should be in a psychiatrist's office right now, sorting your shit out."
Thanks for reading. 

Monday, February 28, 2011

Oh Noes.

Something's not right with me.
I've been noticing it for a while now.
See, the thing is..
I'm getting meaner.
Many people would see this as a good thing, as I used to be waaay too nice.
I mean, it's good to be nice and all, but I was nice to the extent that people would walk all over me.
I didn't know how to say no.  This is still something that I struggle with, but I'm improving.
Behold, an example from my past:
English teacher: "Why, hello there, Sarah.  You seem bright.  Would you like to join the senior debating team?  We're one person short and are supposed to compete next weekend."
Sarah: "Ohh, I don't know..."
English teacher: "We debate over some strikingly interesting topics!  The topic for next weekend's is "Which of these two political leaders had the most integrity: <insert two random names that I had never even heard of.>""
Sarah's brain: "DON'TYOUFUCKINGDARE..."
Sarah: "Er, sure.  I don't see why not!"


Another thing:
I used to be sympathetic.  Pathetically sympathetic, in fact.
And I still am..  But only to certain types of people.

Well actually, pretty much all people..  Except for a select few.
One of these lucky few makes it her business to post at least one attention-seeking status on Facebook every waking hour of the day.  I guess over the years this has just gotten to me a little bit.
An example from just a few short minutes ago:
"<insert name here>: feels like banging her head up against a wall til it bleeds."
Upon reading this tragic status, I instantly felt a great deal of sorrow for the poor, unfortunate wall.
And a curious inquisition as to why she was so intent on making a wall bleed in the first place.