Saturday, July 7, 2012

What Horror Movies have Taught Me

  • If you make people laugh, you are most likely being kept alive merely to serve as comic relief and will eventually be killed.
  • Your phone will be working just fine right up until the moment you urgently need to use it.
  • Same with your car.
  • If you are a girl with large boobs and you take off your clothes, you will die. Probably naked.
  • Never turn your back on your 'killer', even if they appear to be dead. They never are.
  • Kill all clowns.
  • If you are the virgin in your circle of friends, you're almost guaranteed to survive, while your slutty friends don't stand a chance.
  • If the music starts getting louder, get the hell out of there.
  • Avoid having sex in cemeteries.
  • And playing with Ouija boards. That's just asking for trouble. 
  • If a dirty, unshaven service station owner in the middle of a desert advises you to take a short-cut to wherever you're going, for the love of God don't listen to him.
  • If you are a baby, you will survive. Nobody messes with a baby.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I did it.

Not only did I pass my Driving Test, I passed it without having made any errors
It simply does not feel real.

Especially after last night. By the end of last night I had come to accept the fact that there was no chance I could possibly pass. Ever.
I was destined to be a L(oser) Plate Driver for the rest of my life.
In fact, I was almost too embarrassed to even show my face at the Police Station the following morning - after what happened...

It was one of those moments in life where I just had to stop and laugh at myself.. -Once I had stopped screaming and sobbing simultaneously, of course.

By now you're probably wondering what the dickens could possibly have happened to evoke such terror.
Let me first just say that I suck(ed) at reverse parking. (This was yesterday. I have now got it down to a fine art.) Up until last night I had only reverse parked in a Learner car with the extra set of pedals on the Instructor's side. So naturally I was a bit (excruciatingly) nervous about the whole ordeal.
As I mentioned previously, it was night time.

Fact: the badness of my driving increases exponentially as daylight fades.

So there I was, with mum in the passenger seat and my older brother in the back, casually driving along the main street of my hometown in search of a car, behind which I could practice my reverse parking.

Fact: generally the only cars you'll find along the main street of my hometown after a certain hour belong to either people at the pub, or ..people at the pub.

After a brief pep talk from my mum and brother, I gingerly selected the lucky car that would serve as the subject of my reverse parking practice. I took a deep breath and pulled up next to it. I remembered the trick that my instructor had taught me in the Learner car: reverse until the 'little sticker thing' on the bottom-left corner of the back window of my vehicle is in line with the right tail-light of the car I intend on parking behind. As soon as they are in line, I must promptly turn my steering wheel as far left as it will turn, until my vehicle is on a 45 degree angle to the curb. At this point, I must lock my steering wheel right until my vehicle is parallel to the curb.
Simple, right?
So simple that my back-left wheel ended up hitting the curb. Fantastic. I was contemplating going forwards once more and having a second attempt when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that I had attracted quite an audience at the little pub across the road, some of whom thought my performance might benefit from them yelling what I can only assume were words of encouragement..
Now, I don't like reverse parking at the best of times, but this was too much for my heart rate to handle. I promptly U-turned the hell outta that uncomfortable situation and decided to settle for an 'imaginary' practice environment.

I drove us out to a dimly-lit street that I knew not many people lived down. My brother placed his water bottle in the middle of the road to mark where the right tail-light of my 'imaginary' car would be. I then proceeded to practice the method taught to me by my driving instructor, as I had been before. (I had a different instructor today who taught me a much more trustworthy method :P)
Anyway, after a while I got sick of practicing on a water bottle I could barely even see, so I decided to go practice something else. There was only one problem with this plan - I was facing the wrong way. The road was really skinny, with a small grassy slope on either side. I was like, "alright, cool, I'll just do a 3-point turn to face me in the other direction."

So I've done the first bit of the turn, and all of a sudden I see headlights coming towards me from a little road that leads from the forestry. I started to panic a little, as I was pulled up in the middle of the road facing sideways. It was then that I noticed the reflective pattern on the approaching car. Oh God, it was the cops!

I started full-on freaking out.

The closer they got, the more intense my freaking out became.

Even though they were crawling towards me, in my panicked state of mind, I legitimately thought I was going to either die, or be arrested. Two extremes, I know. :P And in retrospect, I wan't even doing anything wrong! Well, besides stalling several times, screaming/sobbing, and then eventually accepting my fate and allowing myself to slowly roll down the slight slope onto the grass.. (while still screaming and sobbing.)

I was covering my eyes with my hands, however I lifted them just in time to see the expression on the cop's face as he slowly swerved around the water bottle.
It was something like:

Meanwhile, I was all like:

But at the end of the day, who cares! I passed!
My brother may have gained some easy blackmail material, but hey, it was worth it to get my Ps. :D

Monday, June 25, 2012


Wow, so it's been far too long since I posted on here.
I guess it's understandable, considering the extreme life-changes I've experienced since around this time last year.
Well, I consider them to be extreme, although they probably aren't extreeeeme enough for anyone else to quite agree with my choice of wording. It's not like I've taken up any extreeeeme sports such as skydiving or dolphin riding or even unicycle hockey (as amazingly fun as that last one sounds).
Actually, the most life-threatening activity I currently subject myself to would be catching public transport to the University every weekday.. (But hey, there are some scary-ass people on some of those buses.)


YES. That's right, I said University.
Even I find it a little hard to believe at times. 

But yes, this is just one of the many changes that my life has recently undergone.
In the past 12 months I have also:
  • Graduated from high school
  • Moved out of home to live in the city with my boyfriend
  • ..Acquired an amazing boyfriend *giggles and blushes*
  • Started cooking dinner for myself (and afore mentioned boyf) and adhering to many other womanly duties such as ironing and washing clothes
  • Grown up ever so slightly
Oh, and to those of you who read a blog I wrote a little over a year ago about how nervous I was about going for my Learner Driver's Permit, I got it! And in a few days I will be undergoing a driving test which will hopefully result in me advancing to a Provisional (P1) Driver's Licence!
And to think I was nervous about getting my Ls..